Being accountable is tough. Standing strong in the face of an unexpected layoff or a diabolical boss can be devastating. Feeling bad is human. Here’s my question: how long do you rail against your offender, and what are the consequences for your self-esteem?

Every week, I meet with clients who are stuck and struggling. Typically, it’s due to a combination of external circumstances and related internal struggles. If it’s been going on for a while, it strips away your confidence. It becomes the double whammy of having bad things happen and feeling bad about yourself.

The turning point is addressing your identity. A big blow in life can ignite memories (conscious or unconscious) of previous trauma. In the case of a highly critical boss who rarely gives you positive feedback, you might regress to the ways a parent made you feel when you were a kid. You reignite feelings of powerlessness when, in fact, you are a highly capable adult with abundant resources at your disposal.

A little self-coaching might offer a new, self-affirming perspective.

Ask yourself:

• Who am I (what is my identity) in this negative situation?

Give yourself some time. You are digging for a trigger that can be elusive. Once you identify who you are in the stuck and struggling space, you can name it and realize you are giving your power away to a distant memory or experience.

• Who do I want to be in this situation?

Now you are inviting your current resourceful self to show up. You become much more creative and empowered. You embrace accountability. Even though something bad has happened, you can stand strong and make choices about your future.

The relationship between self-confidence and accountability is powerful. I invite you to shift your perspective if you have been feeling stuck in helpless circumstances. The identification of who you are and who you want to be can wake up your mojo. Now you can make the right choices with confidence.