Students in my coaching school are often surprised to hear they should avoid the word why. I thought I’d take some time today to dig into the pitfalls surrounding this popular, but potentially problematic word.

Let’s start with the basics. A question with the word “why” can trigger defensiveness and shut down open dialogue. This is especially true if you add an aggressive tone of voice and forceful body language.

Even if your tone is warm and you are not pointing a finger, the person you are speaking to may still feel less safe when the word “why” is used.

Let’s dig into some reasons:

“Why” can sound like an accusation. Why did you do that?” can sound like “you were wrong.”

It activates the brain’s threat response. Why questions can put people into self-protection mode.

It focuses on past behavior. Why often digs into causes and mistakes, which can keep the conversation stuck in the past.

It encourages rationalization, not reflection. People rarely know the true “why” behind their behavior. When asked why, they tend to invent a logical-sounding story instead of accessing deeper motivations or emotions.

It can imply a power imbalance. In workplaces, parenting or an interview, “why” can feel like an interrogation, reinforcing the hierarchy instead of collaboration.

The fix is pretty easy. Work on starting questions with the words how or what. They are far less triggering. The next time you enter an important conversation, notice your use of the word “why” and try to replace it.